I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
