Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
