ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
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I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
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They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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