for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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