You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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