cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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