I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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