Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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