This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
