you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
well you can't waste a boner
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
