Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
