noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
