Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
