I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
