The maid of honor just puked.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Can Purell be used as lube?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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