is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
