Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
