I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
