I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
