saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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