Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
