just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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