Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
