Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I supernannyed him into submission
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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