She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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