Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
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What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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