I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
