i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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