I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
