If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
