hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
