I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can I color on your dick again?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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