hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
