Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i think my cat just said my name.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
