you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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