Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
