a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
