bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
