You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My dick has a subreddit
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
