My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
