so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
