dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Found your dick twin last night
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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