someone threw a dead crab at me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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