Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
