Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
