im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
