imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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