Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
