Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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