her vagine was all disorganized.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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