Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am spending my child support on dildos
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I need a beard to bite.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
