I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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