I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
