Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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