My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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