I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
