Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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