Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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