I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
