No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
